JW’s Abysmal Alienware Adventure (or ‘How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb’)
We had originally planned on reviewing Alienware’s m9750 laptop for a piece that we had intended to run during our launch week festivities last week. I had filed the request at the end of January, and by the end of that month I had been contacted by Alienware and we had worked out an arrangement for us to receive a laptop to review. I had made very clear that we wanted to have the review article written and online by March 1st, and that to do so we’d need the laptop no later than Valentine’s Day.
Naturally, the laptop didn’t arrive at my door until March 3rd. After the initial shock of it’s arrival (I had begun to believe that they had simply blown us off) I figure “Okay, it’s here. Time to review it.” I had decided that instead of rushing the review to try and make the end of the launch week, I’d take my time with the machine and punch up a review for the “back to school” season, when college freshmen are looking for a new laptop. So I unpack the laptop and all the fancy add-ons for it (bluetooth mouse, mouse pad, fancy leather-bound instruction manual) and turn the machine on for the first time. There was only one problem with my plan.
The laptop didn’t work.
Now, I understand that the first time you boot up a new computer it may run slow. Hell, it may even freeze. I get that. So when the machine booted up and froze before the welcome screen popped up, I was understanding. I simply restarted the computer and expected the machine to run proper. Everything booted up fine and I, someone who has wanted to get their hands on an Alienware computer for years and years, was more than excited to finally be able to ‘feel the power’, as they say. So I go to move the mouse (using the touch pad)… and nothing. My mouse cursor simply doesn’t move. I hit the start button… nothing. The machine has frozen a second time.
“Okay, alright.” I assured myself as I reset the machine a second time. I’ll save both you and myself the time of having to repeat myself and summarize my efforts by saying that I wound up resetting this damn laptop seventeen times before finally giving up. Not the ideal way to start off what was to be a review of this machine, now was it?
The next day (day because, frankly, I have a life) I tried to boot the machine again, and again the thing froze. Finally tired of trying to get this thing to work on my own, I toss in the AlienRespawn disc and reformat the machine with a clean install of Windows. This surely would prove to be more successful. After all, any corrupted installation files were eliminated when I reformatted the drive. So I begin the re-installation of Windows Vista Home Premium, and while I’m waiting for it to do its thing, I kick back and watch my favorite film, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. The install completes just as Buckaroo Banzai owns a flaming file cabinet in an act of badassery so thorough in its epicness that even Chuck Norris’ beard was taken aback. But I’m getting off point.
After the reinstall, the system reboots and boots into Windows for the first time. Yay. After I select my personalization options and am logged in, I wait. After twenty or so minutes of it working properly, I grow bold and decide to click a folder. I guess this move was too bold for the machine, as it locked up immediately and I was forced to reboot once again.
Lovely tale, huh? Well, don’t worry, my story is far from over because after this I called tech support.
Now because Alienware is owned by Dell, I figured Alienware to have the same top-notch tech support and customer service that has helped make Dell the least inept of the major hardware technical support providers. However, Alienware either is forced to pick up the scraps of those who are unworthy of Dell, or think their product is simply so damn magnificent that they can hire any two-dollar Circuit City Associate they please. In four separate phone calls to Alienware’s crack staff of monkeys with headsets (or earpieces, nowadays) I was told on four separate occasions to do the same damn thing: Run AlienRespawn.
“Just run AlienRespawn 2.0 and your problem will fix itself.” I was told by one. A second said that exact same phrase, but added that it sounded like it was a problem with the hardware reading the drivers. By the time I made the fourth call, my nerves were so whittled to the bone that when the somewhat dimwitted fellow on the phone said he would have to put me on hold, I broke the cardinal rule of video game journalism: I played the press card. I informed the good lad (in a tone that cannot be emulated with mere text) that I had been loaned this laptop from the “good people” (I’m choking on those words) at Alienware for a review, and that after three previous attempts to discuss the hardware issue until a satisfactory conclusion, I simply had no care to wait around for someone to tell me to put that damn AlienRespawn disc in again. After five times of running the disc (and it, oh, not working) I didn’t think a sixth would really help.
The jackass put me on hold anyways. Now, I never actually got to speak with somebody that fourth time. After waiting on hold for some twenty minutes I decided that they could kiss my ass and I hung up to do something more productive: Oblivion.
I was someone who has always wanted to get their hands on an Alienware machine, and when I was informed that they were going to be sending us a laptop for review, I was indescribably happy. Now, after a little more than a week of having the machine and being unable to get the damn thing to work, I can’t wait to send it back.
At least I didn’t pay for it. If I had to pay the $4,000+ price tag that this particular model’s configuration commands, I think I may have actually been capable of taking a human life. But probably not, since I’m lazy like that. My point is that if you are going to charge people out the ass for a machine like this, the least you could do is ensure that it worked properly out of the box.
Oh, on one final note: Alienware…
…I’m keeping the hat.
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Wow, this is so disappointing. I’ve always wanted an Alienware machine, too.
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Sad fact is that Alienware probably sent you a machine that they’ve loaned out for testing in the past, maybe even multiple times…which means someone else probably fucked it up. On top of that, they had horrible support for you, which is like stamping your forehead with a big fat “we don’t give a shit” brand.
My person message to Alienware? Maybe you should give a shit. When you burn bridges with websites, even the “little guys,” you are only screwing yourself in the long run. After all, it is the little guys that keep you in business.
P.S. I <3 Aliendog.
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I’d actually been considering getting one of those things in the near future, as well. Now my interest in anything Alienware laptop related is effectively limited to that sweet dog-hat. All I need now is a dog, and I’m sure endless hours of entertainment are mine to be had.
This is mostly because of the tech support experience. I don’t care how fine you think your product is, you need to be prepared for when [not if] it keels over, and you need to be able to supply people with more than a “Oh, do [task x] and it’ll be fine”. Although, I can’t help but wonder what was actually wrong with the damned thing to begin with. Will we ever know?
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James Walker reply on March 16, 2008:
Oh, don’t get me wrong — when it was running like it was supposed to, it ran like a charm. It was quick to load, made my games look downright sick (in the good way) and had surprisingly good sound. My only complaint about it (again, when it actually worked) was that the battery life was a bit on the short side.
With that said, the tech support really turned me off on not just the laptop itself, but the entire review project. I’m sure we’ll try it again (probably over the summer) and I’d love to be able to work with Alienware in the future with a desktop or whatnot. But the tech support and its seemingly apathetic approach to this recurring issue was simply unacceptable.
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So James, WTF is this with your suddenly mild-mannered demeanor? Your reply (”Don’t get me wrong - …”) at the bottom seems to carry a rather different tone than your scathing first attack. “I’d love to be able to work with Alienware in the future” and the diluted comment about tech support’s “seemingly apathetic approach”?
That sounds a whole lot different than “forced to pick up the scraps of those who are unworthy of Dell,” “crack staff of monkeys with headsets,” “dimwitted fellow on the phone” and “jackass” that could “kiss your ass.”
Whatever the merits of the m9750 and Alienware’s technical support or lack thereof (readers be advised, there is plenty in the good column on other sites), one thing is certainly obvious from this “review.” Besides being a petty, immature journalist-wannabe seemingly bent on success via comic insult, you’re illiterate. There is no such thing as “knotch.” If you want to write professionally, do your readers the courtesy of learning to use a spell-checker or m-w.com.
And count me out of the “readers” for Binge Gamer. I’ll look for intelligence elsewhere.
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James Walker reply on March 17, 2008:
Gary, first off you do your name an injustice and by using it you insult Star Trek, Trekkies, and Robert Lansing (may he RIP). Now let’s move to your thinly veiled swipe at me.
While I applaud your efforts, you ultimately fail and in doing so, make yourself look like a damn idiot. You see, as I pointed out above the machine, when working properly, worked rather nicely. However once you have a problem and are met with not one or even two, but three seperate counts of ineptitude on the part of the very people who are hired to resolve such technical issues, how else would you describe it? Would you rather I lie and paint a picture of sunshine and flowers, where their tech support had done no wrong?
As for “knotch”. Yes, you got me. “Knotch” is not a word. I must be a fool. Surely, in an article consisting of 1,130 words, my misspelling of one must mean only one thing: I fail at English and should never write again. What ever will I do? Woe is me. Woe is me.
Finally, if you don’t want to be part of what we have going on here, adios. Don’t let the door hit you in your ill-informed fanboy ass on the way out.
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Allison Boyer reply on March 17, 2008:
I thought it was a good “review.” Count you out as a “reader”? That’s too bad.
I “like” how you have extra quotes in your comment. That’s “bad ass,” man.
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