Binge Gamer

Here you go, dudes and dolls — eight reasons why you shouldn’t think of picking up Grand Theft Auto IV for your child, and I didn’t even have to talk about the actual game.

1.) A man in a helicopter while looking down the scope of a sniper rifle. I assure you, he’s not shooting skeets.
2.) Another shot of our man, Niko, looking down the scope of a sniper rifle. This time he’s perched on a roof top, looking to either kill a heroin-addict or a cop (spoiler alert?).
3.) A woman who is suggestively licking a cherry. Must I explain?
4.) Another well-dressed fellow holding a pistol while talking on a cell phone and looking mad.
5.) Angry-looking rasta holding a piece.
6.) A High-Speed car chase through the streets of New York Liberty City.
7.) The ESRB rating of M for Mature, stating that Grand Theft Auto IV should not be played by people under the age of 17.
8.) The damn game is called “Grand Theft Auto” for piss sake! You wouldn’t buy “Baby Rapist Pro-Am” for a nine year-old, would you?! NO! If the game shares the name of a felony, maybe you should look to pick up something on the DS instead.
9.) …yeah, I’m just fuckin’ with ya on that one. Don’t kill me.

The point? If you take ten seconds to actually examine what you’re buying your kids, you could rest your head at the end of the night with the comfort of knowing that your spawn isn’t having their precious little mind tainted by a video game… but that’s a whole other load of bullshit that I’ll tackle later.

NOTE: I blame GTA IV and my bender playing it for the horrible spelling errors (seriously, kiddies — it was a S before N. Big freaking whoop. No need to email)