Binge Gamer’s The Bender

Throughout history, there are a few moments in history where you can put petty differences aside and agree on one universal truth. While I may not necessarily agree with Kotaku on everything, we both share this common belief: 50 Cent’s next game is gonna fuckin’ blow.

While the original had you, as Half Dollar himself, hunting down the would-be assassins who tried to off you in a New York recording studio, this time Two Quarters and his group of merry men are whisked away to the Middle East.

I am not joking. In an interview with IGN, 50 Cent: Blood in the Sand’s producer, Aaron Blean, describes the game as “50 Cent meets — you know the movie ‘There Kings’? Kinda like that.” 50 Cent? Decent rapper. ‘Three Kings’? Good movie. However, like grape jam and pepperoni pizza, these two great tastes don’t taste great together — they taste like a horrid abomination. Like Wendy’s. I’ll let Aaron explain:

“…50 and G-Unit are putting on a sold-out performance somewhere in a fictional Middle Eastern setting. This is where the ‘blood on the sand’ comes in. They put on the performance; the people are pleased, but the concert promoter stiffs them and doesn’t give 50 and G-Unit their payment.

So, of course, 50 isn’t going to leave until he gets paid, so he hassles the concert promoter, [saying] if he doesn’t come up with the money now, there will be consequences. And instead, the promoter offers him a very valuable gift – something that’s valuable to this particular country – a diamond encrusted skull.

So 50 gets the skull, and as he’s about to leave this war-torn country, when they’re ambushed and the skull is taken. They escape the ambush, but they’re without the skull. So 50’s motivated to get what belongs to him. So basically, throughout the game, he’s trying to track these people down and find out who they are and why he was ambushed.”

…oh my… wow… just, um… did someone lose a bet? Never mind that 50 Cent isn’t exactly “required listening” to the citizens of Tehran — you have him going after a diamond-encrusted skull? You DO realize that another term for “diamond-encrusted skull” is crystal skull, right? Look, unless Ten Nickel gets his face caved in by an angry Harrison Ford, I’m not gonna care.

But then again, Activision may do the merciful thing and ax this game, anyways.