Pokemon, oh, Pokemon. What was once a secret guilty pleasure of mine has transformed into a monster run rampant—an obsession, if you will. And with the remake of one of my favorite Game Boy titles of all time less than two weeks away, I find myself sleeping less and less as I scratch the hours into my bedpost.
Yes, I’ll admit it: I love Pokemon. Fuckin’ love it. The gameplay is intricate, yet catchy. The music is bouncy and memorable. And the Pokemon are badass as all hell.
Well, for the most part…
See, when developing a game centered around the pursuit and capture of nearly 500 monsters, you’ve got a lot of ground to cover. While you’re bound to have a few “less than desirable” creatures spill into the mix, some of the beasts in recent Pokemon history are utterly disgusting.
Of course, many Pokemon are just as awful as their evolved forms. For the sake of saving stress (read: punching more Pocket Monsters), I bundled such Pokemon together whenever the circumstances called for it.
Useless as a dick on your elbow—and in no particular order—here are the top ten Pokemon I want to punch in the face.
Goofy as fuck and twice as ugly, Mr. Mime is what you get when you cross Down syndrome with clown college and Megaman’s Dr. Wily. Instead of the fire-breathing, rock-crushing, energy-spitting powers wielded by cool Pokemon, Mr. Mime’s purpose is far more—er—passive.
Using his fingertips to generate telekinetic energy fields, Mr. Mime is strictly a defensive player. While this tactic certainly has its place in any battle, the package it’s presented in is a complete joke. Those stupid shoes, that hideous costume, and that abhorrent haircut practically begs for a black eye. The fact that all mimes need a good walloping as is doesn’t help its case any either.
Forcing all female Pokemon of the species to question their sexuality, Mr. Mime gives new meaning to the term “invisible rope”.
One could argue that Magikarp is the embodiment of a hard day’s work—a life lesson, if you will. Magikarp teaches gamers that with tenacity, devotion, and a little bit of love, even the most pathetic of creatures can turn into an awesome, ass-kicking super-dragon.
One could argue that, sure. But during those fifteen to twenty levels spent training the lousy bastard, there’s nothing you want to do more than give the goldfish-looking hackey sack a swift kick to the gills. Other than splash and a late-learned tackle, Magikarp is completely useless in battle, making even the wussiest of Pokemon Norse battle-gods.
Fighting one yields the bare minimum when it comes to experience points. You’re better off throwing it back than battling the damn thing, because the twenty points of experience gained are practically worthless.
Other than the massively redeeming quality of evolving into the ever-epic Gyarados, Magikarp is better left strung up by his tail to be used as a punching bag in Ivan Drago’s gym.
Oh. My. GOD!
The inclusion of Spoink and Grumpig in any Pokemon game is baffling. It leaves me practically speechless. Grumpig is easily the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and Spoink isn’t much better. Everything about these Pokemon makes me want to put my fist through a wall.
But perhaps I’m overreacting. Maybe they’re not all that bad. I mean, Spoink is sorta kind of cute in a stupid way, I guess.
*looks at picture of Grumpig*
AAARRRRGGHGHHGGHHHH!!! SMASH!!!!
*puts fist through wall*
Fucking OW!!!1!1!
Christ, I want to curb stomp the both of ‘em!
Grumpig and Spoink: they’ll surely be the death of me.
The first time I saw Nosepass, I facepalmed so hard that it was two weeks before the red handprint faded from my forehead. Things only got worse when Probopass made its debut, sporting that fruity mustache that’s the envy of any high-class porn star.
Nosepass and Probopass are the epitome of what a Pokemon shouldn’t be. Each time I see one, it’s all I can do to keep myself from pounding the shit out of my DS until I break my hand.
Ugly. Stupid. Big-nosed. Describing Nosepass and Probopass is an insult in itself.
Let images speak, for they say more than I ever could.
Behold and shudder in disgusted rage!
Currently there are roughly 500 known Pokemon in the Pokemon universe. But of all 500, one stands out in my mind as absolutely, positively, completely fucking useless.
Luvdisc doesn’t evolve, nor does it learn any powerful moves. It’s far from intimidating, and its overall design is bland and unimaginative. Should Nintendo and Game Freak yank Luvdisc from the next game in the series, I doubt anyone would even notice.
Looking like a Communion wafer cut into the shape of a heart, Luvdisc is equally sturdy in battle. At one point, chosen as Serebii.net’s Pokemon of the Week, the author offers this advice when facing the heart-shaped pansy of the sea:
Just hit it. It has very low defense, so any strong attack should take it down quickly and easily.
No battle plan necessary. Just beat the fucker down. Sounds about right; I’d leap at the chance to break a Luvdisc over my knee.
Luvdisc, if you didn’t have gills, I’d drown you in salt water.
The Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell of the Pokemon world, both Volbeat and Illumise are the most gimmicky bug Pokemon in the franchise. A fashionably useless pairing for team battles, Volbeat and Illumise are an excellent way to show your opponent just how much you hate yourself.
While their names are admittedly pretty cool (Fact: Volbeat is actually the name of a Danish metal band), their appearance is comparable to David Bowie and Roseanne Barr banding together to start an insect-inspired clothing line. Frustrating and completely hideous, Volbeat and Illumise make me relieved to know the good lord blessed me with not one, but two fists for punching.
Volbeat and Illumise: more campy and degrading than amateur Devil May Cry fan fiction.*
Fact: Everyone’s screamed at a Zubat at least once. Easily every player’s pet peeve, you’re guaranteed to encounter at least a thousand of these little pricks per playthrough.
Stuck in a cave? Why not fight six or seven-dozen Zubat. Moving through some dark valley or forest? These suckers are swarming like mosquitoes.
While Zubat evolves into a somewhat decent Pokemon, this sharp-toothed nuisance is more annoying than the talking pop-up ads on certain independent gaming blogs. It’s weak. It’s pitiful. And it’s everywhere. The only hope you have is a high-level leader with some repels. And even then—someway, somehow—a Zubat slips through, making an already tedious venture through some cave fucking frustrating as hell.
Zubat: it’s like Twilight the Pokemon.
Hideous. Ridiculous. Sorta looks like a pumpkin.
Or poop. Spiny poop.
I’d like put it into a bag and set it ablaze on the porch of the artist who came up with the concept for these half-baked excuses for Pokemon.
Cacnea and Cacturne are as vile as their awful, uninspired names imply. The only Pokemon that really compares is Carnivine, another goofy-ass grass Pokemon mere inches away from inclusion on this list.
Give me a blender, some Kevlar gloves, and five minutes with one of these prickly fucks. I’ll puree them into a cactus smoothie.
Pokemon that exist just because they can, Cacnea and Cacturne are more than deserving of a baseball bat to the face.
Bidoof is a lot like black licorice; nobody likes it, but it’s fucking EVERYWHERE!
But as much as I detest Bidoof, I absolutely hate Bibarel—the bulky, butt-sucking beaver Bidoof evolves into.
Honest to god, I hate Bibarel so freakin’ much. Its bucked teeth. Its shit-eating grin. Its perpetually clueless expression, exemplifying the absolute nothing going on upstairs.
If given the chance, I’d love to knock Bibarel’s stupid teeth out with a cinder block. Now that would make it think twice about existing.
My beef with Combee stems from this logic:
The Pokemon games already have a bee Pokemon—and a cool one at that. And, truth be told, Beedrill is pretty freakin’ badass.
But instead of having all female Kakuna (the evolutionary variant preceding Beedrill) transform into the formidable Vespiqueen, Nintendo and Game Freak went and created the abomination that is Combee.
Fucking Combee. Christ, just look at it! It’s a piece-of-shit Pokemon that strives to achieve cuteness and popularity, coming up short. Way short.
Okay, so maybe it’s a little cute…
Even so, all male Combee are incapable of evolution, making them completely useless in battle. If you have a female Combee, lucky you—it turns into Vespiqueen. But like I said: it should evolve from Kakuna (much like how Bellossom evolves from Gloom).
It’s times like these I wish I were Goro from Mortal Kombat. Then I’d have an arm to pound each of Combee’s three faces with a spare to strangle a Grumpig while I do the deed.
Combee—I dub thee THE MOST POINTLESS POKEMON IN THE WORLD!
*I was too lazy to find a link, but trust me: it exists.
this is awesome.
I HATE MR MIME SO MUCH >=/
THATS NOT EVEN A REAL POKEMON! I get so angry everytime Ash goes home and there is MR FREAKING MIME RUINING THE EPISODE! grrrrr
first of all, the episode was ruined after the first season. but i agree with u, tho. it’s only good if ur smart enuf 2 know how 2 use it, and if ur strategic
Nice but i would have some additions
I hate that stupid Milktank it is the ugliest animal copy pokemon. he is so fat and retarded.
Delibird, so freaking dumb, it has no pourpose. its just like there. i cant stand it. its a bird that tries to look like santa.
other than this i agree with your picks. i dont think anyone likes magicarp or zubat.I hate bidoof too, it’s basically zigzagoon( which is still really lame)
Gotta say I was pretty shocked when you said Zubat but your right its fucking everywhere!! Everytime I enter a cave I wanna call Nintendo and cuss them out! Fuck Zubat!
Sooo true… me 2 XD zubats r ANOYING!
what about jinx and miltank and geodude
wtf makikarp rocks why is it on this list wtf
So awesome. Loved reading your rant i completely agree on all the ones on here. i mean some i like but they are annoying like magikarp and zubat. (: