Christina Aguilera hurt herself playing the Wii this week. In the world of celebrity news, this was the most important event in the history of ever. With this injury, she has both humbled herself to her adoring masses and given thousands of blogs to post damn-near-nude images of her in compromising poses.
…so, uh… that’s the justification for our home page image. You’re welcome.
Ken Levine is many things. By day he is a mild-mannered video game developer out of the beautiful city of Boston. By night he is an ass-whooping dealer of death and destruction who rids the countryside of Northern New England from rum runners and Canadian interlopers. With his amazing cosmic powers and trusty talking ten-speed Schwinn bicycle, “The Shocker” has put out countless fires, captures dozens of violent criminals and saved many inebriated women from the clutches of douchebags with barbed-wire tattoos by inviting them back to his place for coffee and sandwiches.
But before the myth Ken Levine was but a man who loved Zelda. So much so, in fact, that his first real girlfriend dumped him.
After I graduated from college, I moved to an apartment in San Francisco with the first super-serious girlfriend. She was a couple of years younger than me, so at the end of the summer, she was set to go back to school. On our last day together in San Fran, I for some reason picked up The Legend of Zelda. As she stood by waiting for some romantic gesture to happen on our last day living together, she was instead treated to watching me obsessively plow through Hyrule for around 15 hours.
By the time the cab showed up to take her to the airport, I realized if I had any hope of keeping her as my girlfriend, it was time to shut off the NES. Needless to say, we didn’t spend the next summer together.
Jealousy is an ugly human trait. Thankfully Nintendo never gets jealous.
*I couldn’t think of a snappy Z-word for “poon”
The Conduit a “Hacker’s Paradise”
A hacker calling himself “hetoan2″ has criticized The Conduit‘s lack of code protection, which allows for cheaters to go in and alter just about every variable imaginable. Worse yet, the code for the online play is practically identical, meaning that players can easily go all Counter-Strike style and cheat their way to victory.
But this particular hacker is fighting the good fight. Not only is he supposedly working with High Voltage to hunt down the cheaters like the dogs they are, but he also released several patch codes for aspiring assholes cheaters that, if used, would corrupt their save files.
That is glorious, good sir, and for that you deserve our highest non-end-of-the-year-award honor: The Columbo Seal of Approval.
WTF?! This Ain’t Games!
Matt Bush was an undeserving #1 Draft Pick of the San Diego Padres in 2003, over the likes of Justin Verlander, Jared Weaver, Philip Hughes, and Dustin Pedroia. In short: Bush is the MLB equivelent of Ryan Leaf (hell, they both played in San Diego).
And now, he screams like a vagina:
…that’s the kind of crying you expect a man to do after watching his mother being torn apart by rabid wild bores. Maybe.
This Week in CRIME!
The Games Made Me Do It (touch children)
Michael Cherry, a 38-year-old Ontario man, has “explained” that his love of child porn has spawned from his love of video games combined with his lack of friends. From The London Free Press:
Admitting he possessed child pornography, a London man said yesterday he lived “in a closed box” of friendless fantasy fueled by video games, his computer and comic books.
“I’d work, come home . . . lock myself in my apartment…”
After a difficult childhood in foster care, separated from his siblings, his client became a truck driver who lived by himself in squalor and clinical depression, Squire said. “He was in a black hole . . . a strange sort of world his computer created.”
I grew up fairly sheltered. I nearly flunked out of school because of Warcraft II on PlayStation (yes, PlayStation). Not once have I ever had the urge to go online and download child pornography. Now maybe I’m just weird, I don’t know, but at no point during my nearly 20 years of playing video games have I ever had a hankerin’ for some preteen poon.
In other words: STFU and go to prison, scumbag.
Someone Call Lt. Hondo!
We’ve all done it. You’re sitting on your couch, you’ve got that perfect headshot lined up and, just before you squeeze the trigger, you find that the back of your head has suddenly been caved in by the butt of someone’s rifle. Fill with an unimaginable rage, you throw your controller across the room and begin on a tirade of expletives so vile that not even I dare to repeat them.
At the same time, I like to think that if you had the cops called on you because of your screaming, you’d be smart enough to open your damn door.
Sadly, some poor bastard in New Jersey is not that smart.
A woman walking through the neighborhood heard what sounded like screams and gunfire coming from inside a nearby home. Frightened, she called the police who arrived and began questioning the homeowner about the noises… through windows… because the guy wouldn’t open his door.
Le sigh.
Police eventually called the local SWAT team. They arrived on the scene and, eventually, the man walked out peacefully. He is currently under going psychological evaluation at a nearby medical center.
I have no clever quips for this, so we quickly move on.
GET OFF MY PLANE!
Any excuse to post something by Colette Bennett… anyways, an eighteen year-old dingleberry in Indiana announced that he was going to hijack an airplane in an attempt to “try and kill as many Americans as possible”. After repeating his plans to kill Americans with airplanes several times, someone from an online gaming center reported the dumb bastard.
Cut to a few hours later, when the FBI knocked on his door and the silly fucker pissed himself*. After trying to play it off as his computer simply being hacked. When the FBI didn’t buy that, he then tried to claim that he was simply joking. Nice try, nitwit.
While no charges have yet to be filed the FBI confiscated his computer, where they will surely be looking for anything else incriminating. God help him if they find anything… on second thought? No. Don’t help him. He won’t learn anything if you help him.
Fifteen year-old Alexa Longueira has learned a valuable lesson: blame everyone else but yourself.
On an afternoon not dissimilar to today, Longueira was walking down a sidewalk that she has walked down a thousand times before. Feeling a false sense of comfort with her surroundings, Longueira whipped out her cell phone and began texting. With her eyes buried in the warming glow of her cellular telephone, you can imagine her surprise when she fell five feet down an open manhole and into the sewer.
Of course, now the Longueira family is threatening to sue, and if they do they’ll most certainly win because, yes, the city is technically liable because they failed to put cones around the manhole opening.
With that said, this stupid fucking chud would’ve probably just tripped over the cones and fallen down the manhole anyways. This whole thing could have easily been avoided if she had either NOT started texting or do what most rational people do and at least stop to text back. But no. Her head was buried in her cell phone and now she smells like shit for the next month.
Good.
What I find frightening is that eventually this girl will be behind the wheel of a 2,000lb hunk of steel traveling down the road at 70mph. God help anyone who has to share the road with her.
Damn near nude? i don’t know what puritan backwater you grew up in, but a long black dress going halfway down the calf and just a little cleavage barely showing, is not even remotely near nude. The only thing remotely close was maxim’s 20×20 pixel picture they had…wow how shocking.
The “damn near nude” comment was in regards to the homepage image we used for this particular edition of WTFriday: Looksie