The Binge Gamer Villain Hall of Fame is dedicated to honoring the baddest mother fuckers in the gaming universe. We take a look at each villain’s history and accomplishments, ultimately deciding whether they’re worthy of such a prestigious award or whether they’re nothing more than an epic failure.

Name – Gruntilda Winkybunion

Other aliases – Grunty, green witch, evil bitc—oh!

Trademark features – Pointy hat, black parka, and a spiffy scarf. She also rhymes and plays the harp (well, not so much with the harp thing).

Notable for – Stealing/hiding golden jigsaw pieces. Tormenting Jinjos. Not knowing how to die. Rhyming.

First appearance – Banjo-Kazooie (1998)

I feel any good villain deserves a good rhyme. Here’s one I made for Gruntilda the witch:

There once was a witch named Gruntilda
who sat high atop a big hill-da.
Tooty’s beauty she’d take
and rhymes she would make,
because she’s an evil, angry witch and isn’t a very nice person at all.

I just wrote that right now. Proud of me?

Anyway, that’s enough of me trying to be poetic, creative, and post-modern with my—er—posts. Let’s just cut to the good stuff.

Gruntilda is a kickass villain; there’s no doubt about that. Not only does she fit into one of the greatest villain cliches OF ALL TIME (witches), she is also the antagonist in one of the greatest video games OF ALL TIME. This mixture alone is sufficient reason for her nomination to the Villain Hall of Fame.

However, for the sake of appeasing J.W. and his giant stick of forced article length and justice, I shall further investigate the awesomeness that is “Grunty”.

Five ways Gruntilda is scientifically GREATER than more “traditional witches”:

She rhymes… that’s pretty annoying.
Her broom has a face.
She’s intensely green—but not THAT green.
She REFUSES TO DIE (more about that later).
She hosts regular gameshows… TO THE DEATH!

Okay, so none of those things are very original (aside from her broom having a face—which is damn cool). But it’s the collection of those things that make Grunty so great.

Well, come to think of it, Grunty is generally a huge rip-off of just about every cliche villain on the market. She stole the whole “collect throngs of senseless shit and do stuff with paintings” thing from Bowser, the whole “I’m the final boss” thing from Bowser, and even the whole “I’ve got a family” thing from (who else?) Bowser. They’re both green, both buffoons, and both like waiting for their foe atop a tower or mountain or some other crazy obstacle. Gruntilda = Bowser. This I am sure of.

Oh, and if you’ve been paying a lick of attention to any of this piece, you might have noticed the fact that she’s PRETTY FREAKIN’ IMMORTAL. She dies at the end of just about every Banjo-Kazooie title, and somehow she still makes an appearance as the big baddie at the top of the mountain in every damn sequel. Tenacity is spelled Gruntilda.

And what about that Game Over screen? If she so easily stole Tooty’s youth during the game over sequences in the first game, why didn’t she just do it right away? Instead she waits for Banjo to leap to his death nine times before she’d pull the lever. WTF, man… WTF? Even so, Grunty makes one smoking-hot super-witch after stealing Tooty’s youth. Yum! (Is that a staff beneath your beard, Gandalf, or are you just happy to see me? Har har!)

The story of Gruntilda’s never-say-die attitude toward villainy goes something like this: she gets crushed by a rock. She gets crushed by a rock (again). At one point, she comes back as a robot. At another, a head in a jar atop a witch-like body (a la Nixon in Futurama). Badass.

Of course, my main reason for selecting Grunty as our December entry is the obvious connection to The Night Before Christmas (well, it’s obvious now). Random fact: did you know rhyming is not only used in just about everything Gruntilda says in the first Banjo-Kazooie game, but also in The Night Before Christmas? Nonsensical but necessary connection to the holiday season complete.

A disgusting, vile individual, did you know that Grunty also picks her nose. Eww, gross!

She ultimately desires beauty, but later revenge. But mostly beauty. Which makes sense considering she’s ugly as ass from the get go. At least she’s honest.

As we’ve learned from previous lessons, inner-beauty is meaningless unless you’ve got some stunning body to encase all that sexy inner-hotness. Grunty, realizing this, steals some bear nobody gives a damn about and foolishly waits for her angry brother and his birdy buddy to come kick her ass. Sigh.

Essentially, Grunty belongs in the hall of fame due to her devotion to evil, her witch niche, and her blatant idiocy. Because honestly, she’s a dope. I can’t count the times she could have crushed Banjo and Kazooie with a boulder or an anvil. Still, it’s my hall of fame, and what I say goes, damn it! *admits Grunty*

Take that, opposers and naysayers, and embrace our latest entry into the Binge Gamer Villain Hall of Fame!

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