Konichiwa, dudes and dolls. Last week t3h w31rd was on hiatus so I could instead talk about how inadvertently awesome Spiritual Warfare was. Thankfully Easter is over for another year and t3h w31rd is back in it’s rightful place.

The image used this week is “The Last Smashing” by DeviantArt user “AngstyGuy”. From left to right you have Falco, Link, Fox McCloud, Wario (as Judas), Luigi, Princess Peach, Mario (as Jesus), Captain Falcon, another Link, Marth from Fire Emblem, Pit, Roy from Fire Emblem, and Donkey Kong. You can’t make it out on the feature image, but you also have Kirby and Pikachu on the floor, with Solid Snake peaking out from under the table.

Now that we have all of THAT out of the way, let’s get on with t3h w31rd!

“By the seventh stage Sonic had saved the the Earth from evil; so on the seventh stage he rested from his work. And Sonic beloved the seventh stage and made it holy, for on it he rested from all the ring collecting that he had done.” ~ Sonivicus 2:1-3

Have you ever wondered about Sonic the Hedgehog’s backstory? About why he and Doctor Ivo Robotnik are constantly at war? How Sonic came to meet Tails? Where Knuckles originated and how he came to be in the services of Robotnik?

Well, worry no more for now we have the “Sonic Bible”! The Sonic Bible was an internal document at SEGA of America which was used to provide a localized history of the little blue bastard to game developers so as not to contradict any Sonic canon. While it’ll be a sure read for any Sonic fan whose tired of taking the same four issues of Game Informer to the toilet with them, there are two important facts that I feel all gamers should know:

Sonic the Hedgehog was born in Nebraska… and was a track & field star in high school.

I’ll let you all discover the rest.

This Week in Crime PSP…

The PSP is a peculiar little bastard. It’s sold 40 million units and is far and away a success, but I’ve never once seen anybody use it to actually play PSP games on. It’s always movies or NES roms.

Furthermore, whenever we hear about the PSP in the news, it’s always for some odd ass reason — like the two stories right here:

[Insert Obvious "PlayStation Pornable" Joke Here]
Six-year-old Eliso Tovar was surely ecstatic when he was given a late Christmas present by his mother. Hand in hand Eliso and his mum strolled to their local Wal-mart in Manatee County, Florida where she bought the young lad a PSP and a copy of “Cop Killing Prostitutes From Hell XII: The Reckoning“*.

Imagine the shock and horror on the mother’s face when they brought the system home to discover that it was filled to the brim with hot, sexy, suggestive, obscene, filthy, raw, seductive, rousing, salacious, voluptuous, raunchy, lewd, fervid, bawdy, prurient, titillating, anatomically revealing images of women.

Artist Rendering

Outraged, Eliso’s mother stormed back to Wal-Mart and expressed her disgust with Wal-Mart, Sony, video games and the female anatomy. When Wal-Mart offered to give her a free PSP game, she spat at their offer and demanded that her son’s PSP be replaced immediately, for she did not want such filth in the hands of a six-year-old and apparently the “delete” option went way over her head.

But first she stopped by the local FOX affiliate to get her fifteen minutes. Because when you’re outraged, you go to the news.

Meanwhile, in Other PSP News…

[Insert Far Less Obvious HK P7 PSP Plum Slide Joke Here]
Dateline: Tacoma, Washington. A thirteen year-old boy wanted to trade with for a PSP with one of his classmates. Said classmate, possibly working the angle of “give him what he wants now and take it back by force later”, agreed to trade the lad his PSP in exchange for…

One of his father’s firearms.

Right away you can see a problem with this transaction. But wait, it gets better. For you see, the two kids had agreed to make the trade at school.

Obviously the school called local police who arrested the child with the gun, though the firearm itself has yet to be found. However, the other party in the trade was recently seen in the school’s auditorium, sitting in a large plush chair and rubbing his hands together, saying “Good… Good…”

Morgan Webb on Jimmy Fallon: Thoroughly Uncomfortable
First of all, whoever thought that Jimmy Fallon would be a good replacement for Conan O’Brien should be fired and, perhaps, thrown into an active volcano. However, this past week he had G4’s Morgan Webb on the show to talk about X-Play, E3 and G4’s newest program, G4 Underground.

What saves this segment is the frequent and often hilarious commentary from Ice-T and Elmo, including Ice-T giving away his Xbox LIVE handle. Not surprisingly, it involves “187″.

Towards the end they play Punch-Out!! for the Wii where we get to see Jimmy Fallon get his ass whooped by King Hippo as Ice-T and Emlo look on, and Morgan takes on the role of side-seat gamer.

Non-Gaming w31rd

Pete Waterman is not Amused
The art of the RickRoll has become something of legend on the internet, ranking up there with the likes of “Are Your Base”, Star Wars Kid and the Picard Song. So far, over one hundred fifty million people have been RickRoll’d and while it may have jumped the shart sometime in late November, it still endures to this day and can still crack a smile from just about everybody.

Pete Warerman is not one of them.

Waterman, who co-wrote the single with Rick Astley, is mighty pissed because for the 154 million RickRolls that have been recorded on the YouTubes, he’s received a paltry £11 ($16 USD).

While I normally would look at something like this and (Rick)roll my eyes, Waterman is in the right on this. If something I recorded was used 150 MILLION times and all I saw out of it was a check for $16, I’d be walking into Google HQ with an AK-47 and a bandolier of grenades. It’s highway robbery and, in the worst cast scenario, could lead to RickRoll destroying the internet.

Of course, this is just an excuse to post Rick Astley:

I’ve been RickRoll’d so often that I’ve come to love this song. How sad is that?

And now, our weekly awards…

For years I’ve openly hated the first Street Fighter movie. I remember seeing it in theatres when I was young and being so utterly disappointed in, well, everything to the point where I vowed to never play another Street Fighter game — a trend which was finally broken with Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix. However, as I’ve grown and come to appreciate campy films (i.e. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension) I can look back on the original Street Fighter and say, without a shadow of a doubt, that it’s the best video game film ever made.

And Jim Sterling agrees, and has quite the write-up on Destructoid about why the movie was so great. He talks about Van Damme’s terrible acting, the surprising amount of detail put into the scenery and, of course, the greatness of the late Raul Julia as M. Bison.

So, this Lager is for Sterling, D’toid and everyone else who now sees the greatness that was Street Fighter: The Movie.

George Will needs to be popped in the mouth with the big stick of logic. You see, in a recent Op-Ed for the Washington Post, the columnist and 67 year-old Pee Wee Herman lookalike went on a tirade about… denim.

Yes, denim. The stuff that your blue jeans are made out of.

In it he praises Wall Street Journal columnist Daniel Akst (for which Will stole the idea for this “I hate pants” piece), and expands on the notion that vile, wicked, evil denim is destroying us all. Keep in mind that I boldened the part of the statement that you may want to pay attention to:

Denim is the infantile uniform of a nation in which entertainment frequently features childlike adults (“Seinfeld,” “Two and a Half Men”) and cartoons for adults (“King of the Hill”). Seventy-five percent of American “gamers” — people who play video games — are older than 18 and nevertheless are allowed to vote. In their undifferentiated dress, children and their childish parents become undifferentiated audiences for juvenilized movies (the six — so far — “Batman” adventures and “Indiana Jones and the Credit-Default Swaps,” coming soon to a cineplex near you). Denim is the clerical vestment for the priesthood of all believers in democracy’s catechism of leveling — thou shalt not dress better than society’s most slovenly.

If I can speak to Georgie for just a minute…

You self-absorbed elitist son of a bitch… that’s, uh… that’s all I got. I read through your textual ego stroke three or four times and I can’t even begin to think of a proper response. Your ignorance and your self-righteous preaching has left me speechless. But I do have to ask… you realize that April Fools day was two weeks ago, right?

I mean, this has to be a bad joke. How else can you explain Nobel Prize winning George Will being relegated to writing opinion pieces about how much denim jeans suck? Surely there must be something wrong.

And where the hell did this pot shot at gamers come from? Are you still living in 1982? I know that at one point the perception was that only children played games, but take a look around you now, George. Some of the most intelligent men and women in the world play video games. Many of the most forward-thinking companies are video game developers who are constantly pushing new computing technologies to their very limits.

Businessmen, Lawyers, Doctors, hell, even the President of the United States, plays video games in one capacity or another. Surely they can’t all be drooling man-children. Hell, have a conversation with Will Wright, or Richard Garriott… hell, even David Jaffe… and then express your shock that those ignorant, immature gamers are allowed to vote.

Now that I think of it, the only group of people who continue to shun games as childish are those who are so lost in their pretentiousness that they’ve become incapable of having simple, mindless fun.

This is coming from a former journalist, by the way. Yeah, I was a journalist for a time. Sports writer. I traded in my box score for an Xbox 360 controller when I got out of the military. So, should our paths ever cross I would be more than happy to say exactly what I’ve written directly to you, Mr. Will. And you’ll know it’s me.

I’ll be easy to spot:

(A confession: I hope to all that is good in the world that George was just trying to be funny. Seriously. Because if not then I think it’s safe to say that Will’s relevance to the world has run it’s course and it’s time to put the old man in an East Texas rest home)

That’s it and that’s all for this week, people. Same time next week for more insane news, outlandish behavior and, hopefully, an excuse to write up more synonyms for “erotic”. Chica bow.

See y’all next week!

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