This week’s header image is a screencap from “Tetrois“. What is “Tetrois“, you ask? Simple: “Tetrois” is Tetris… in your internet browser… if the pieces were the size of pin heads. The above image? That took [former] intern Perry P. TWENTY FIVE HOURS to get the game to that point.

Hell, the current high score is 0.

I was going to make a contest out of seeing who could get the highest score on this game, but… man, I’m not going to ask you guys to commit that much time to internet Tetris, even though we all know Mike would in a heartbeat.

Anyways, time for t3h w31rd…

Stuck in the Middle With Kirby
Have you ever wondered what Mr. Blonde’s famous ear-cutting scene would look like if the Stealers Wheel song “Stuck in the Middle With You” was replaced with a classic Kirby tune?

Yeah, neither have I. But somebody at GamesRadar did and they went and did it. The result?

Pure. Gold.

Sonic X of Norway

Let me tell you about a young Norweigan lad named Christer. Young Christer is a huge fan of Sonic X, the television show based on Sonic the Hedgehog. So huge, in fact, that Christer wanted nothing more on this Earth than to have the King of his beloved Norway change his name to “Sonic X”.

At first the boy wanted his parents to write the King. When they refused he asked again… and again… and again, before eventually writing the letter himself. After it was written, Christer asked his parents to mail the letter to which the parents, once again, refused. So he asked again… and again… and again, before eventually getting his parents to crack and mail the letter.

So it’s all over, right?

Hell no!

A couple of weeks later, the child gets a letter back. From the King. Unfortunately for Christer the King had to refuse the offer — not because it was a terrible idea, but because Christer wasn’t eighteen.

So… what? If the kid were eighteen they’d now be hailing King Sonic X?

“Hellen Keller Fuckswitch”
Most people are saying this video of a guy taping his jackass friend playing Rock Band is fake. I’m here to tell you that this video may very well be real? You know how I know?

I’ve played with dipshits like this before.

These are the kind of people who you want to throw into an active volcano. Let’s get a few things straight, Rock Band and Guitar Hero players across the world: You’re not rock stars! Hell, most of you can barely operate the plastic instruments that are provided for you.

Whether or not this video is fake, just remember that there are people out there who act this way. Some of them even have jobs. To me, that’s freakin’ depressing.

Comprehensive List of South Park’s Video Game-related Laughs
Level One Boss recently compiled the twenty best video game-related moments on South Park. While it’s an awesome list full of “lulz” as the cool kids say, it lacks one very important clip:

Living to Win.

I kate KISS. I hate Paul Stanley. But that song fucking rules.

This Week in Crime…

TASER Does Not Approve of Flying Penises
TASER International, in a move that I still don’t fully understand, is suing Lindon Labs for illegally using the TASER name for certain in-game objects in Second Life. Among their claims? TASER is concerned that association with Second Life will tarnish their good name.

As though the thousands of TASER-related deaths and lawsuits haven’t done that in and of themselves.

Furthermore, TASER makes special note of the “adult-only explicit images and scenes” in Second Life… because apparently there is some kind of SL guild who gets off by zapping their avatars with fake TASERs?

At it’s core I can understand any company wanting to distance itself from the perversion of Second Life. The game is a cesspool and its users should be put on a Government registry (JW Note: I’m not joking). But when a company that specializes in human maiming starts crying foul that people may be using their fake items to virtually maim their fake people? That’s just silly.

Non-Gaming w31rd

FX Butcheres the Greatest Line in the History of Film
If you have never seen the cinematic masterpiece Snakes on a Plane, let me summarize the film for you: Samuel L. Jackson plays some hardass FBI agent who has to save a group of airline passengers from a horde of venomous snakes that were snuck onto the plane by an assassin in an attempt to kill Jackson, his partner, and the hot doctor chick off of E.R. It’s known for many things, including a terrible plot and rather “colorful” language.

So you knew that it’s broadcast TV premiere would end in tragedy. However, the hackjob that FX did to the most famous scene from the film is simply unacceptable. So I present to you “These Monkey Fightin’ Snakes on this Monday to Friday plane”:

For reference, here is the original. Watch it and weep as you’re reminded once more why Fox fuckin’ sucks.

And Now, Our Awards…

The first honoree is “Tetrois”. Yes, the game I mentioned earlier. Anybody who could come up with something so sadistic yet addictive is a true genius/madman. Of course, I issue an open challenge to all of our readers to top the current high score of “0″. Hell, if you do that and send a screencap to “contests@bingegamer.net”, I may even get you something nice. The winner (if there are any) will be the person with the highest cumulative score.

I doubt that anyone is going to actually do this, but all the same — if you do, you deserve something.

Our second honoree goes to “guimp pacman“, which bills itself as the world’s smallest Pac-Man game. And you know what? It may very well be. But at the same time, it’s awesome.

Seriously, try it for yourself.

Since there’s no score and therefore no contest, it fails to get top billing on this week’s Lager. But it’s still pretty sweet.

Not all of you, don’t get nervous. Just the 45 of you who voted video games over sex on this month’s poll question (at the time of this publishing).

Yes, we all love video games, but come on! There comes a point where you need to put down the controller and go LARP some librarian/curious foreign exchange student action.

And as for the eleven of you who more or less admitted to sex with your guitars… for shaaaaaaaaaaame.

Okay, people. Keep checkin’ in throughout the week for Perry’s list of PSOne classics that desperately need to come stateside, Allison’s monthly look at some of the best/worst gaming tattoos, and JW looks back at the awesomeness of the original Dynasty Warriors in the latest entry of “Greatest Games You’ve Never Played”.

Until then, see ya next week!

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