So, as you may have noticed there was no w31rd last week. The reasoning for this is very simple: I was dead tired.

Yep. That’s really it. Any decent place of employment and that excuse would have gotten me thrown out on my ass in a New York Minute. Here, though, and I get a couple shoulder shrugs and a “cool”. Why?

The title on my business card, that’s why.

Anyways, this week’s header image is taken from an advertisement from the 1970s that talks about the mysterious, mystical dark magic that is “electronic mail“. In the future, mail will fly through “interspace”, moving at such blazing fast speeds that it catches the air on fucking fire with a spectacular light show.

Man, I wish we lived in the future of the 1950s. Anyways, here’s t3h w31rd:

She Did It For The Coins, Man
If you love video games as much as you love strippers, you finally had a chance to combine the two in a way that wouldn’t leave you out in the car with your Game Boy while your friends are inside making the worst mistakes of their lives. The Los Angeles Bordello, which is located suspiciously close to the site of E3, paid tribute to the many provocative pixelated princesses of video games the best way they possibly could.

By stripping.

The characters that went on stage for the crowd included Zelda, Princess Peach, Rayne and Chun-Li, all of whom were sure to demonstrate just how flexible they really were. However, the coolest performance was by Courtney Cruz as none other than Metroid’s Samus Aran, whose outfit included an arm cannon with a built-in flashlight.

That’s right. In a story about naked chicks, I find the coolest part to be the Metroid arm prop. Because I am a fucking dweeb.

You’ll Still Suck at Basketball
You tired of wearing your old, ragged running shoes that you’ve had since middle school? You need some new kicks so you can get it poppin’ with the shawties at the club? Well, in that case I have two things to tell you: 1.) I have absolutely no idea what I just said. 2.) You’ll want to check out these custom Xbox-themed Nikes.

Custom painted black and lime green leather accentuates the tiger camouflage patterns on the toes. But here’s what sets these sneakers apart from anything you’ll find in stores: the fiber optic lighting. Oh yes, that Xbox logo? That thing glows green at your command.

There is one slight problem with these shoes, though. For the price of this one (and only) pair of shoes, you can buy 12 Xbox 360 Arcades, 8 Xbox 360 Pros, 6 Xbox 360 Elite GotY bundles, and just for shits and giggles, 50 used Xbox consoles. Since, you know, that’s the logo they’re using.

This.

…have fun figuring that out…

Metal Gear Meets Rocky II
GamesRadar is one of those sites that I didn’t like at first, but as time goes on I’ve started to warm to ‘em. Videos like this are part of the reason why:

It’s almost perfect. Why almost? Because I like Rocky IV better than Rocky II.

This Week in Crime Germany!

Even Bomberman Hates Hitler!
“Kein Zuckerschlecken für Nazis”. In English that translates to either “No Cakewalk for Nazis”, a stern message to the remnants of a former fascist regime that nearly brought down the civilized world… or “No Bad Sugar for Nazis”, a warning to Hitler Youth about dental hygiene. Considering the man who designed the poster (seen left), Martin Budich, has been charged with invoking violence, I think we can safely assume it was the cake one.

Budich, a former politician in the land of eternal sunshine and rainbows, allegedly made the poster of Bomberman holding a cleverly-disguised cake for an October 24th, 2008 rally where anti-Nazis protested Nazis… who were there to protest the anti-Nazis. Words were said, insults were exchanged, but neither side became physical.

That is, until they saw the poster!

According to local authorities, who are in no way talking out of their asses, the Bomberman poster was secret code for the anti-Nazis to attack the Nazis with the concealed weapons that they just happened to have on them.

You know, I get it. Germany is trying to make up for that whole “trying to take over the world twice” thing. But it’s starting to get a little extreme. Hell, they already censor about 60% of the games that aren’t outright banned in Germany, and now they’re going to blame a freakin’ poster of a cartoon video game character for anti-Nazi protestors wanting to kick some Nazi teeth in?

Shit, I thought that feeling would’ve just been human nature.

The Great Gaming Conspiracy
I’ll save you some bad jokes and get straight to the heart of the matter: According to German researchers Rudi and Renate Hansel, violent video games are part of a conspiracy to turn the whole of the United States into an army of crazed, bloodthirsty soldiers.

During the nineties the killing simulators, employed for hand-to-hand combat in the US army and police, were released by the Pentagon to be sold for private use on the public markets. As a consequence the computer and video game industry that had co-operated with the Pentagon from the very beginning, boomed. Since then the so-called killer games have wreaked havoc among children and youths.

The US army’s electronic training programs for killing people must be taken back to the US barracks, where they came from. They have to disappear from civil society altogether. They may be appropriate for the purpose of national defense or fight against crime; they have no place, however, in children’s rooms or in living rooms.

To summarize: Cliff Bleszinski and fourzerotwo are cohorts with the US Defense Department, creating ultra-lifelike murder simulators that are designed solely to desensitize children to the realities of violence and, in turn, help create a worldwide army of video game-inspired supersoldiers.

…sometimes this shit writes itself.

Non-Gaming w31rdn3ss

The Worst Fight Scene in the History of Fight Scenes
It widely believed that the epic battle between Captain Kirk and the Gorn Commander is the worst fight scene in the history of all life, but at least that scene had an excuse — one of the combatants was wearing a heavy rubber suit that had no eye openings.

This fight scene, from the film Cui hua kuang mo (“Undefeatable”), has no excuse.

Let’s count all the things wrong with it, shall we?

1.) Right off the bat I’m pretty sure we’re watching a fight between Michael Douglas and Adrian Paul’s stunt doubles.
2.) The terrible slow-motion fist-to-face shot.
3.) The dude checking himself out before he rips his shirt off.
4.) The Power Rangers-like “Hyah!” noise for doing so much as labored breathing.
5.) The last five seconds.

This scene is so bad that it almost makes me want to go rent the movie, just to see if it’s all this bad.

And now, the awards…

We hear all the time about how video games are detrimental to people. All the time people bitch and moan about how games are rotting the brain and turning an entire generation of folks into little more than fleshy husks on their couches. Well, tired of hearing one side of the argument, Pwn or Die has put together a list of twelve ways that video games actually benefit real life.

When you do a “how games are beneficial” list, it’s very easy to become pigeonholed into one or two facets. Thankfully, Pwn or Die went outside the box to talk about folding@home, the countless charitable events held by gaming tournaments, and emergency response times.

So it is for that reason that I am pleased to award Pwn or Die and their rather awesome list this week’s Lager of Excellence.

This week’s Bitch Slap goes to someone whose continued success makes me question the existence of a just and loving God, Kanye West.

ON HIS PERSONAL BLOG WHICH I RECOMMEND READING IF YOU EVER NEED TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF KANYE GOES OFF ON PEOPLE MAKING FAKE TWITTER ACCOUNTS AND HOW HE IS TOO BUSY BEING BUSY AND “CREATIVE” TO USE A TWITTER. NOT ONLY IS THAT A JAB AT PEOPLE WHO USE THE SOCIAL NETWORKING TOOL TO BUILD AND STRENGTHEN PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIPS BUT YOUR BRAIN BEGINS TO MELT WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT HE TYPES HIS ENTIRE MINI-RANT LIKE THIS.

BECAUSE CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!!!!!!!!!!!

…I am so sorry for that. Regardless, somebody needs to update Kanye on 2009 and how Twitter has become far more than just some micro-blogging tool. It’s used by websites, people with jobs and porn bots alike. I would dare say that the Twitter is the future of social networking.

And if nothing else, any opportunity I have to remind the world that I’d love nothing better than for Kanye to be slapped right in his big ass reconstructed mouth and then link to a Kevin Pereira parody video, I’m gonna take it.

Either way, Kanye, please… shut the fuck up and get back to creating something that will make me want to smash my car radio with a hammer. At least in the studio you’re not polluting the internet.

Catch y’all next week, and have some fishsticks on me.

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