Like action heroes Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer before him, the gaming industry’s very own coin-tossing Merlin (Michael Pachter) has his very own line of jokes to serve tribute to his notorious “Magic 8-ball” approach to analyzing the industry.

Of course, I hadn’t heard about the damn things before today, but James assures me they’ve been around for ages (or at least several months). Son of a bitch, I’ve been missing out! It’s like these things came out of nowhere, just like the wizard himself.

Earlier today, the Twitter community managed to get their grubby hands on a #PachterFacts tag and went to town. I rooted through a bunch an picked out some of my favorites—100 50 57, to be exact. Of course, all facts are credited to the user who posted them (conveniently linked by lucky accident).

What’s great about Pachter Facts is that anybody can come up with one. The recipe is simple enough: write something funny, perhaps relate it to video games, throw Pachter’s name in there, and there you have it—instant Pachter Fact.

Just don’t try too hard, otherwise you’ll fuck it up and everyone will call you names, smash your orange drink, and rub your face in the sand just before hoisting you up a flagpole by the lip of your underpants.

If you have any Pachter Facts of your own that you’d like to share with the rest of the Binge Gamer community, post them in the comments section below. We’d love to see them.

1. James_El Contrary to popular belief Michael Pachter’s wife isn’t a meme.
2. darabidduckie You cannot stick Pachter in Halo 3. Attempting to do so will cause your own plasma grenade to bounce back and stick to you.
3. G_Ryd Michael Pachter has predicted that #PachterFacts will be a trending topic by 2013.
4. G_Ryd Only Michael Pachter can prevent forest fires.
5. ChrisCarter_GL Michael Pachter insists that PS3s are sentient beings, and are stealing his neighborhood’s power supply. More at 11.
6. G_Ryd Michael Pachter was the second gunman
7. activisionsucks Michael Pachter is a direct descendant of Cassandra of Troy. Nobody believed her, either.
8. activisionsucks Michael Pachter is the offspring of Mother Brain and HAL. His sister is SHODAN.
9. G_Ryd Michael Pachter tried to kill The Metal. And he succeeded
10. XanderSliwinski Sorry, can’t help myself: Pachter once sued Capcom for copyright infringement of his birth name: Mega Man
11. G_Ryd @XanderSliwinski That’s a common misconception. The game was based on Pachter’s life and he sued them for making it too easy
12. G_Ryd Your fear only makes Michael Pachter stronger.
13. Jim_Sterling Pachter is working on a real-life T Virus by keeping a bottle of soapy water on a radiator. Results have been disappointing.
14. Jim_Sterling If Michael Pachter bleeds, we can kill it.
15. PerryPiekarski @jim_sterling Michael Pachter *doesn’t* bleed—for he is a cyborg.
16. PerryPiekarski http://bit.ly/cWpKc <– Michael Pacther – first documented photograph.
17. Morrius Pachter’s ties are made of baby teeth and cat tails.
18. G_Ryd Michael Pachter doesn’t read minds, he WRITES them.
19. G_Ryd Michael Pachter was Jesus’s 13th apostle.
20. ashleydc The Japanese have over 200 words for Michael Pachter. All of them are profane.
21. LonoSG I read that Michael Pachter predicted that corn chips would outsell potato chips… in 2015. True Story.
22. PerryPiekarski Michael Pachter doesn’t have a Twitter account… that we know of.
23. PerryPiekarski Michael Pacther wears glasses, but not because he has poor eyesight. It’s to contain his laser vision. PEWPEWPEW!
24. PerryPiekarski Michael Pachter is an analyst who says many things about stuff—most notably video games… d’oh!
25. Jim_Sterling Micheal Pachter’s structural perfection is matched only by his hostility.
26. activisionsucks Michael Pachter can, in fact, simply walk into Mordor.
27. shoinan Michael Pachter gets all his powers from blast processing.
28. activisionsucks Mike Pachter FCs Rock Band songs by mumbling his predictions into a mic. Any instrument. Doesn’t even have to be plugged in.
29. activisionsucks Jesus once turned water into Wine. Michael Pacter responded by turning Virtual Boys into the Nintendo DS.
30. SirBleedsalot Michael Patcher is actually Michael Jackson’s. he faked his own death so he could go full time as a magical psycic
31. activisionsucks The only thing Michael Pachter can’t predict is his own death, as he is immortal.
32. XboxExaminer Michael Pachter’s princess IS in this castle.
33. PacoDG Michael Pachter always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
34. RichardElliott Pachter will get his first correct prediction on 01/09/2025. He correctly predicted his wife had cooked him steak for dinner
35. electrolemon @jim_sterling Pachter told Kojima’s mom that MGS: Rising would be on the 360- when she was ten.
36. activisionsucks Michael Pachter once wished in one hand and crapped in the other. No one could tell the difference.
37. Jim_Sterling Michael Pachter invented the spitroast. Both the cooking device *and* the sexual escapade.
38. XanderSliwinski “Skynet finally succeeded in its mission by sending back Pachter”
39. XanderSliwinski “‘Fudge Pachter’ is a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor coming this fall. Profits will be donated to saving the past.”
40. activisionsucks Pachter? I dang near killed her!
41. SlamVanderhuge Michael Pachter willed the Dreamcast to its destruction. No one can cast dreams except Michael f’n Pachter.
42. Jim_Sterling Splinter Cell Conviction is based on the life of Michael Pachter
43. activisionsucks The only thing more impenetrable than the beard of Chuck Norris is Pachter’s ego.
44. PacoDG Up, Up, Down, Down, <-, ->, <-, ->, B, A was originally called the Pachter Code, but having infinite lives was too much.
45. shoinan Michael Pachter doesn’t play many video games, but when you know exactly what’s going to happen next, most pastimes aren’t fun
46. PacoDG The coming of Nostradamus was predicted by Michael Pachter.
47. PacoDG Michael Pachter news does not get submitted to N4G, N4G submits to his news.
48. PacoDG Pachter’s Atari 2600 is forwards compatible. It can play every game.
49. 8bithack @ThePimpOfSound “Michael Pachter does not get his predictions from God. God gets his plans from Michael Pachter.”
50. XboxExaminer Michael Pachter played with Natal while in a coma once…and won.
51. atomicgamer @ThePimpOfSound Michael Pachter’s stock assessments are the reason behind every end-of-quarter rushed game launch since 1928.
52. ThePimpOfSound One time, Michael Pachter and Colin Sebastian disagreed in their analyses. That was the last we heard of Colin Sebastian.
53. XboxExaminer No matter word Michael Pachter writes in Scribblenauts, it turns to gold
54. XanderSliwinski “Most analysts require pie charts to display their brilliance, Pachter only needs a chart of pies.”
55. 8bitjoystick The real reason why Steve Jobs needed a new liver is that Michael Pachter changed the rating of iPhone gaming.
56. 8bitjoystick It is a little known fact that the tears of Michael Pachter can prevent the Red Ring of Death.
57. 8bitjoystick Michael Pachter does not need a flower to throw fireballs in Mario. He can burn things with his mind alone.

If you didn’t check the link in the intro, I urge you to check out the Pachter Facts post on Jared Newman’s Blog of Games. It lists a few others not included here, and they’re all pretty damn hilarious.

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