Ah, the Spike TV Video Game Awards. Remember those? No, probably not since you didn’t watch. But don’t feel bad, dudes and dolls — you weren’t the only one who didn’t watch that dreadful show.

According to Nielsen and reported by Variety in what can only be described as “fashionably late”, the Spike Video Game Awards pulled in a meager 680,000 viewers on it’s debut broadcast. This is down some 26% from last year, and the second lowest total since the show went on the air in 2004.

So what could be the reason for this underwhelming showing? Well, the rationalization that Variety writer Ben Fritz throws out is that the awards show was up against the Dallas Cowboys-New York Giants Sunday Night Football game on NBC… which just happened to be the most watched regular season Sunday Night game ever. However, I have another theory…

…maybe, just maybe… the award show sucked. I know, it’s an insane proposition. After all, how could the network that produces Pros vs. Joes make something shitty, right? Believe it or not, it’s possible.

So what could’ve gone wrong? Maybe it was the horrid skits featuring Jack Black seducing an Xbox 360? Or maybe it’s the fact that the winners were completely predictable? Or the musical performances that were… yeah. There’s bad, then there’s whatever the hell Weezer’s performance was.

Or maybe it wasn’t so much a video game award show as it was an excuse for B-and-C-List celebrities to try and look cool by saying “look at me, I play Gears of War“.

…yeah, it’s probably the last one.

As long as Spike TV releases trash like the VGAs onto the airwaves, those video game journalists who work to the bone to see their field legitimized will see nothing. This childish dog and pony show gives the industry a childish image and only fuels the belief that video games are, indeed, for children.

And yes, they do matter. I know a lot of you are thinking “Pfft. Everybody has their own Game of the Year award. Spike is no different”. Well, you’d be wrong. When Joystiq or Shacknews names their game of the year, they’re more or less pandering to their readers. Just like us. But when Spike TV names their game of the year, it’s televised and followed by a terrible musical performance from the All-American Rejects.

But the question remains: How do you fix the awards? Thankfully, I have a few ideas.

• Dump the celebs. Oh, sure. Jack Black was decent as a host (hell, his bit with Tim Shafer was actually funny), but try to keep the awards about the video games and not how big Kim Kardashian’s ass looks in her dress… the fucking centaur. You don’t see authors presenting awards at the Emmy’s, or musicians presenting awards at the Oscars, do you? No.
  
  Get video game personalities to present the awards, whether it be journalists, developers, voice actors, whatever.

• Have serious categories. “Game of the Year”? Good. “Best Xbox 360/PS3/Wii Game”? Okay. “Best Shooter”? Sure. “Best Graphics”? Now we’re getting a little far. “Best Independent Game Fueled by Mountain Dew”? No!
  
  Don’t put sponsorship on your awards. It’s degrading.

• Lose the skits and, for that matter, lose the writers, too. I don’t know who these guys are or why they think they’re funny, but somebody lied to them. The only funny skit in last year’s show, again, was with Tim Shafer. The opening was embarrassing to watch. The closing, right before Weezer came on and stank the show up, was bad. The skit with Jerry Stiller was painful to watch. Just… stop. And while we’re on the subject…
• Lose the musical performances. Or at the very least, change who you have performing. I’ve mentioned Weezer a few times already in this piece. That’s because I love the band — but I know a phoned-in performance when I see one, and those guys just didn’t want to be there. Either that or Rivers Cuomo was on opiates during his performance… which is entirely possible, now that I think it over.

Those are just a few broad suggestions to try and make the show more palatable. I’m sure I’m missing some things. I haven’t seen the show in a while and I’ve done a damn good job of blocking the parts I DO remember out of my mind.

Either way, because it’s my job to watch I’ll probably tune in in 2009… unless I sell this fucker and start doing stand-up full-time…

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