Man, I wish I were Jackie Chan. The guy’s a living legend. He can scale high walls without breaking a sweat, leap from tall buildings without breaking a sweat, and can turn anything into a makeshift weapon of sorts—without breaking a sweat.

Point being, I’m pretty sure he’s immortal.

And as an established superhero, it’s safe to assume a few video games would occasionally pop up with his face plastered all over them. But who would have guessed that one of ‘em is actually pretty good?

Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu is what you get if you take every platformer you’ve ever played on an 8-bit system, put them in a pot, and make a stew out of them. Let it simmer for a bit, pour it into a Jackie Chan officially-licensed ramen dish, and there you have it—delicious gaming goodness.* Yet as cliche as it is, Action Kung Fu is easily one of the greatest games you’ve never played.

There’s even a log flume stage where you ride the rapids and kick some riverside ass. Nothing spells awesome like a ride on a log flume. Nothing.

And of course, like every 8-bit platform game, it has you doing anything you can to get from point A to point B—even if that means using jet-propelled turtle shells to ascend to the heavens. Yes, there are jet-propelled turtle shells in this game, working their asses off to bring you to a battle with—wait for it—a Cyclopean God that listlessly thrashes at you with his frail, pink hands while you kick him where it counts—his big ‘ol bloodshot eye.

Thankfully Hudson Soft did away with the Adventure Island style messiness in Action Kung Fu. I note this because as a platformer, Action Kung Fu is actually playable. Jackie’s movements are quick, responsive, and he stops on a dime. It’s everything Adventure Island isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I love Adventure Island—but the game sucks.

When Jackie loses all his health (falls in too much lava, gets mauled by a tiger, etc.), he doesn’t actually die. That would be blasphemy. So to make the game challenging, Hudson Soft implemented this thing called a “life bar” that, when extinguished, causes Jackie to convulse on the ground in an epileptic fit like a possessed demon child—but with less vomit. Much less vomit.

But we all know why you’re really playing this game—to kick some ass.

Thankfully, Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu chock full of asses on which you can unleash your bipedal wrath. And just like real life, when Jackie Chan touches anything, it explodes into an immense cloud of dust and debris, likely sent to the same dimension where magician hats and magic crates lead. Whether this is due to the man’s sheer awesomeness or his years of training is a mystery, but either way, it’s fantastic.

All I know is that few things are more satisfying than rushing up to a frog and punching him so hard he erupts into a power-up that teaches you martial arts. The first time I did it, I was convinced I’d karate chopped him in half, sending the upper portion of his body soaring through the sky. Animal cruelty FTW!**

There are also countless, non-amphibian enemies that drop orbs you can gather to replenish your energy (you need about 30 of ‘em). Oh, and don’t worry. Just like the real Jackie, Action Kung Fu Jackie can throw fireballs. I’m glad they kept the game true to life, because it would have been sacrilege if they hadn’t.

Just be prepared to fight loads of tigers, mice, fish, skulls with butterfly wings, yeti, and flying nunchaku. Simply put, Action Kung Fu’s enemy list is absurdly varied.

***Spoiler Alert*** You know those frogs I mentioned? Well one of them gets sick of you pushing him around and transforms much like the rat in Parasite Eve, becoming a bubble-spitting, tadpole shitting monster with bat wings. How do you handle such a vicious beast? Kick the living shit out of it. God, I love this game.

As for the story, it’s your basic Jackie Chan fare—meaning it’s pointless bullshit. Like his movies, all you want to do is get to the action. This means you can glaze over the next paragraph if you like as I sum it up for those who care. I’ll still be here.

The Story - Some schmuck with an agenda kidnaps your hot sister, and it’s your job to rescue here. So after a few moments of meditation, you pay respects to your master and hop to it, fucking up anything that stands in your way.

Welcome back.

I have a slight feeling Hudson Soft made this game first and then thought “Hey, what if we got that Jackie Chan guy to license this shit? It’d sell like fuckin’ hotcakes!” I also have the feeling that Mr. Chan slowly nodded his head and smiled as dollar signs slowly replaced his pupils.

Hey, even gods like the occasional royalty check.

My reasoning for this is simple: nowhere do I see anything that visually resembles Jackie Chan (other than his name and the stereotypical, Chinese-influenced stages and music). Sure there are levels where you kick the shit out of stuff and walk on clouds, but that’s where the similarities end. The ugly visage on the title screen looks more like a poorly drawn caricature of Shigeru Miyamoto if anything, and the guy on the cover art isn’t Jackie Chan at all, but instead some generic Asian man they likely found in a police sketch book. I guess it looks a bit like Jackie, but then again, you orientals look all alike.

I checked this game on eBay, and its price range is pretty varied. I’ve never seen a copy at any retailer myself, so expect to pay anywhere from $15 to $50 depending on which version you opt for (NES or TurboGrafx-16). Give it a look. It’ll kick your ass if you don’t.

*I highly advise against making a soup out of NES cartridges, as many of them are downright filthy.

**It’s a joke. It’s funny. Laugh, damn it!

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