t3h w31rd: WuChess Edition!

By James Walker • June 22, 2008

It’s called “WuChess Edition” for a reason, kids — the lead in this week’s w31rd is just… it still doesn’t compute. Seriously, who was the guy at the board meeting who stood up in front of the other tight-assed executives and said “I have it, gentlemen! Wu-Tang meets Kasparov!”? Whoever it was, I want to shake his hand.

Then punch him in the stones for having the idea to charge people $48 a year for this kind of win.

Chess is gangsta, yo.
You know, I sat here for a good twenty minutes trying to figure out what to say about this. I sat and pondered, scratching my chin as the gears in my head turned, and I attempted to figure out exactly what the hell this was. ‘Perhaps it’s fake‘ I wondered aloud to my friends and colleagues, the idea of Wu-Tang Chess festered in the back of my mind… and then I saw the video.

…it’s not fake, people. Really, it’s legit, and for only $48 a year, you too can get in on the *snicker* WuChess action. (NOTE: All joking aside for a moment — chess is a very taxing game, mentally. For Wu-Tang to launch a website for the game shows a true passion not just for chess, but for testing one’s mental limits. Even if $48 a year to play chess is bullshit.) Moving on…

Ninja Warrior: The Game
From one absurd game to another, not-as-absurd game, I present to you the Ninja Warrior flash game.

That is all.

We Move: A Wii Game That’ll Frighten Children
This is the trailer for the next big Wii hit, We Move: Pain vs. Pleasure. Interesting name, isn’t it? Just wait, it gets better.

The game will allow players to play online with friends, and use the Wii Balance Board to create their own moves. The trailer shows a poorly designed woman in a leather corset pouring candle wax on a man’s back.

…naturally, this is making sense to you.

Could somebody please explain to me what the hell just happened?

Cute Girl Plays GTA IV for the First Time
The next video is pretty basic, and involves a fairly hot chick playing through GTA IV for the first time. In fact, judging by her many reactions during the video, this may be the first time she has ever heard of this “Grand Theft Auto” on these newfangled “game playing machines”.

Yeah, she’s hot. But she’s shrewd and her voice annoys me. In fact, the more I view this video, the more I’m reminded of another cute, albeit painfully annoying girl:

At least in her case, justice was served.

Niko Bellic Looks Human
That guy over at Pixeloo is some kind of crazy. Sure, it may be “crazy like a fox” crazy, but in the end, crazy is still fuckin’ crazy. His latest image of Niko Bellic, the protagonist from GTA IV, is spot-on scary. Observe:

Yeesh, Niko is truly one hideous looking man. But the artwork is stunning. By the way, be sure to check out his rendition of Stewie Griffin. It’s frightening.

New Guitar Hero DS Trailer is Sad
Okay, before we watch the video, let’s get a couple of things straight right now: 1.) The chick in the purple t-shirt and denim vest? Fuckin’ hot. 2.) The game itself looks like it may be fun but no matter what you’ll look like a doofus. C.) …I have nothing, so I’ll just reiterate: Hot chick, doofus skater boys with bad hair.

And now the trailer.

…I told you… it’s still not as bad as the other one, though.

n0n-g@m1ng w31rdn3ss:
Dance Off with the Star Wars Stars
Odds are you’ve seen this video sometime over the past week, but really, I don’t care. The idea of seeing Darth Vader doing the Thriller dance is just too damn funny for my nerd ass to pass up. So, let’s do the responsible thing and watch this video together, shall we?

In fact, this is the subject of this week’s “w31rd p0ll” question: What’s your favorite version of the “Thriller” dance?

Star Wars (look above)

“Employing Jack Thompson”
Jim Sterling of Destructoid fame really should have his own daytime talk show by now. This fact is only helped out by the fact that his blood feud with soon-to-be-former attorney Jack Thompson is borderline comical. His latest swipe at the embattled lawyer is a featured post entitled “Employing Jack Thompson” (linked above). This time, Sterling has a few ideas for future career options for Thompson, all of which Thompson would be ideal at. For example, Thompson could have a nice career as a Professional Wrestler.

If you’ve ever heard a wrestling promo, you’ll know that they basically talk into a microphone for up to thirty minutes, finding thousands of words to use while only conveying a handful of information (usually along the lines of which ass they are going to kick at Summerslam). If anybody could match such insubstantial rambling, it’s Jack “Ring Stinger” Thompson and his brutal finisher, The Dis-Armbar.

Sterling has many ideas that Jack should seriously consider, and they are all only too fitting of the south Florida windbag. For his enthusiasm in helping find Thompson a new career, as well as tearing him a new asshole in the process and… well, just being a bad ass Brit, Destructoid’s Jim Sterling is this week’s recepient of: