Dudes and Dames, in an industry as large as the video gaming industry is, you’re bound to have your share of oddball stories. This is where those oddball stories come to mingle, hit on each other and generally party down. Your monthly recap of the strange side of gaming is nigh — this is t3h w31rd.

The Super Smash Bros. Golden Turd of Excellence
I’m not sure what GameStop manager thought it would be a good idea to pick up a litle golden statuette from his nearest Wal-Mart and brand it as a trophy for Super Smash Bros. Brawl, but I hope he was fired and publically ridiculed in front of his family. Seriously, have a look at this thing:

Hooooooly… if you come into posession of this, for whatever reason — scorn them, for that friend or family member loves you not — and what the hell does “Local Legend of Wreckage” mean, anyways?

Stefen Colbear: Man or Myth?

Take a good look at the above image. That is not merely of Stephen Colbert, and it sure as hell isn’t Captain America (though if Marvel is reading…). That is Stefen Colbear, and he was destined to bring the Horde to their bloated, green Orcish knees. However, as fate (and a douche bag agent) would have it, the card never came to be and Colbear may never enter Azeroth.

So what happened? Colbert’s agent axed the idea immediately, and didn’t even give the artist (Todd Lockwood) the courtesy of showing Colbert the image. A very “douchebaggian” thing to do, but then again he is a Hollywood agent.

We can only hope Stephen Colbert sees this image and demands that neither Colbert or Colbear Nation be denied.

It’s-a me! Child-a rapist!
Look, before you jump on my ass for calling Super Mario a child rapist, take a look at Pixeloo’s 3D rendering of Super Mario, if Mario were a real man:

…eww. Just… eww. I mean, those giant eyes… graying stubble… turned Mario from cute video game hero to sad, middle-aged Italian landlord. Hell, if you look closely you can see the beginnings of a unibrow, and just… no. I mean, don’t get me wrong — it looks awesome. The image itself is amazing and the concept is cool, but… I don’t think I was mentally prepared to actually see it.

Now if you think this wasn’t cool enough — he just did Homer Simpson, who looks a little bit like Kevin James after an aggressive bout with radiation sickness.

PSP Crime On The Rise
The month of March was absolutely brutal for PSP owners — especially children. In March there were no fewer than three highly publicized instances of a child having their PSP stolen.

The first case of PSP theft occured when a nine-year-old girl, walking along with her friends, was approached by a male between the ages of 16 and 18. This guy kicked the poor girl in the leg and ran off with her PSP. Now, stealing from a nine-year-old girl is bad enough, but was the kick to the leg necessary? What next, you steal candy from a baby by administering a piledriver to the poor thing?

Two weeks later a thirteen year-old watching his brother play Super Smash Bros. Brawl on a Wii kiosk inside a GameStop was met by cornered by three teenagers, who quickly began asking questions about his Limited Edition Darth Vader PSP. The teens asked if the boy had any movies on his PSP, to which the lad said no. When the kid took his PSP out to check the time (what happened to watches?), one of the teens snatched the device and ran off.

But the winner — the most recent in this string of PSP thefts, happened to seven-year-old Kyle Springs of Dallas, Texas. On the day before his birthday Kyle and his family stopped off for breakfast at a local Denny’s before, and I’m not joking, going to Kyle’s chemotherapy treatment for a brain tumor. While eating, a burglar broke into the family’s car and made off with Kyle’s PSP, backpack, medical records and medication. If there is any sort of silver lining in this story, it’s that the Dallas Police Department had raised well over $1,000 inside of three hours after the initial report, and Kyle got a new PSP and games.

Behold the Power of DIGG!
Now you all probably know about the story of Jesse McPherson. McPherson is a computer programmer who recently had his Xbox 360, TV, and Laptop stolen. While it would have been the perfect crime on paper, the dumbshit thief made one fatal mistake: He left a message on McPherson’s Xbox LIVE account admitting to the theft.

The kid’s butchering of the English language aside, you have to truly be some kind of stupid to not realize that your personal information is tied to your Xbox LIVE name. However, even though McPherson had this nitwit’s XBL name, as well as security camera images of the guy trying to pawn off McPherson’s stolen goods, the Philadelphia Police Department refused to help. So, McPherson turned to the internet.

Now, rather than recapping the utter and somewhat sad virtual bloodbath that ensued, I’ll just post this FOX News report that summed up everything nicely:

When the reporter is referring to you as a “wise ass”, and mocks your shitty rapping… you fucked up.

Silvia Shon is Lara Croft
As anyone who knows me can attest, I am practically in love with Lara Croft. I know, it’s sad. But I don’t care. So, posting this gallery of Silvia Shon dressed up as Lara Croft (mandatory NSFW warning) is just as much for me as it is for you. (NOTE: These images are in super, uper, duper high-res)

And finally, on this condensed version of t3h w31rd’s March review…

The Luckiest. Shot. Ever.

It was just your day to get owned, dude. Ouch.

See y’all every Sunday!

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