When I heard Guitar Hero: Aerosmith was in the works, I squealed. When it became available, I pre-ordered. When the mailman finally brought it, I tore it open and popped it in my Wii.

When I finished playing about an hour ago…I cried.

Ok, I didn’t really shed tears over a video game, but this one hurts my heart. I’m an Aerosmith fan in the way that some of you out there are Diablo fans – to the core and maybe a little crazy.

On paper, an Aerosmith rhythm game sounds great. Joe Perry is one of the best living guitarists, in my humble opinion. They’ve done hundreds of songs over the years, and not all of them are somewhat generic rock ballads – quite a few of them are guitar-fabulous.

Apparently, the makers of Guitar Hero don’t care about that. My first problem with this game is the song choices. Some of them were great – Beyond Beautiful kicks ass, for example. However, to have Dream On near the end of the list insults my intelligence. I love that song. LOVE. It’s just not a game-worthy song. I got a 97% on it without even trying. It was like that time I had to sing all the words to Baby Got Back during SingStar 90s. Um, hello? I’d like a challenge, please.

But ok – before I rip this game apart, I did want to say that there are a few things I did like:

1. The videos of the band are great. Before each new venue, Aerosmith comes on and talks a little bit about the evolution of their career. If you make enough money through playing, you can unlock longer interviews with the band. They’ve decided to make this a “happy” version of the game, leaving out, you know, years Joe Perry wasn’t with the band because him and Steven Tyler were in a pissing match (for the record, Brad Whitford quit for awhile too) or the, um, MASSIVE drug use, motorcycle accidents, and illegitimate children. I guess that’s why the videos are kind of short, now that I think about it.

2. You play as the band…and it looks real. Sure, Steven Tyler looks a bit like a creepy monkey, but the motion capture animation was really awesome for this band, since Steven Tyler has some very specific ways of moving on stage. They brought Run-DMC on stage for Walk This Way, and Run is an unlockable character. Some of the other bands were also animated in the game.

3. The music is great. I’m a huge Aerosmith fan, so of course that might cloud my judgment a bit. Only about 60% of the songs are by Aerosmith, though – the rest are by bands that inspired them or toured with them. At first, that pissed me off, and I had a little temper tantrum because I had to play through some opening acts before they let me play any Aerosmith songs. However, it is hard to argue with Joan Jett, Cheap Trick, or Ted Nugent – there are some great songs included in this game, and it breaks up the Aerosmith awesomeness.

That’s it. No, really…that’s all I got. I wanted to love this game. I’ve been an Aerosmith fan since I was a little girl (my poor parents), and like I said – on paper, this game could have been great. I already talked about the weird song choices they’ve made for this game, but that wasn’t the only thing that has my panties in a bunch.

1. The star power sucks like a $5 hooker. I found myself not even using the star power. First of all, blue notes on a blue, textured background is hard to see. It’s not a challenge; it’s just annoying. Second, the star power lasted like ONE SECOND. What’s the point? Third, the crowd didn’t clap with the beat, which threw me off. Now, I have a theory that this clapping problem is an issue with my TV, but I don’t have a crappy TV by any means, so I’m willing to bet that others are having this problem as well. Dude. Test you game on multiple TVs so the crowd doesn’t sound like they’re a bunch of tone-deaf idiots smoking pot. Aerosmith fans do crack and heroin like true Toxic Twin fans, thank you very much.

2. The game itself is boring. This goes back to the song choice. No Aerosmith song is a bad Aerosmith song to me (except the one that shall not be named which was, thankfully, not in the game). I am glad they they game wasn’t all rock ballads, but some of their choices just didn’t make sense. I found myself bored and distracted by Steven Tyler’s scarves.

3. The gameplay is too easy. This isn’t just about the songs they picked – this has to do with changes they’ve made to the game itself. The difficulty curve just isn’t there anymore, and the game is too forgiving. Come on, give me a challenge.

4. They’re not giving us any DLC. I get it – every available person is busy working Guitar Hero World Tour. That doesn’t mean that you have to half-ass things for Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. Do you not want to make money with this game? I have to say, I feel a bit ripped off.

5. The game was too short. Speaking of feeling ripped off…although I was bored, I was also disgruntled that the game didn’t last longer. 31 songs? That’s it? Of course, you can unlock a few more, but in all, you only end up with about 40 songs. I paid way too much for this game for 40 songs with a few Aerosmith videos. Ripped. Off.

6. The last song was Train Kept A-Rollin’. Yes, it is an awesome song, and a great choice for any rhythm-based game. You know, like Rock Band. Oh yeah, that’s right…that frickin’ song was in a guitar game already. And, I might add, Rock Band did it better. Why in hell would you end with that song? I felt like the entire purpose was just so Neversoft Vicarious Visions could give the finger to anyone who likes Rock Band better.

7. Some of the songs were covers. There are enough awesome bands out there, and I’m sure Aerosmith’s members gave you a huge list of songs they liked or felt inspired by. The best you could do was a cover? Puh-lease. There is no reason that any of the songs should have been covered, unless maybe you got Aerosmith to do the cover themselves.

At the end of the day, this was nothing more than a glorified expansion pack. That’s not what I was promised, and definitely not what I paid for. I was super excited when, half-way through the game, there was a boss battle with Joe Perry. I haven’t played GH III, so the ONE thing I THOUGHT was original, was actually just a boring old idea they’ve already used in another version of the game. Lame-o.

My recommendation? Don’t waste your money. Eventually, the license on Aerosmith’s songs will run out and Rock Band will hopefully include a downloadable album of Aerosmith songs – the ones that are worth playing. Until then, if you really love Aerosmith, rent this one, don’t buy it. Or at the very least, purchase a used copy. Trust me, I’m sure there will be tons available.

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