You know, it was all fun and games for a while, but I’m starting to feel kind of bad for our old pal, Uwe Boll. First, he inadvertently starts a petition that calls for his own retirement from filmmaking (which is about 23.5% of the way to its one million signature goal). After that he releases a video in which he calls out Michael Bay (to which Bay responded), accused of Bay and Steven Spielberg of conspiring against him, and now what may be his best video game adaptation (which isn’t saying much) is only being shown on four screens across the country. You would think that, with that kind of press over the past month and a half, you’d want to crawl in a hole, right?

Not if you’re Uwe Boll. Writing on the film’s website, Boll lashes out at those who relish in his latest failure. Now, rather than simply posting his blurb here for you all to read for yourselves, I have decided to respond to Mr. Boll’s points and, when necessary, I will translate what Uwe is trying to say into something we can all actually comprehend:

To all of you writing now about me and the fact that POSTAL is not getting screens.

its okay ..its fun kicking a guy nonstop who is on the ground

you are all not getting it that i’m the guy who made it against the big hollywood system and you are all only busy to destroy me and finish me up
and then you YOU WON WHAT ? the attention of the studios, michael bay .. ?????
if you damage me you feel closer to Hollywood ? what is your game plan?

What Uwe is saying… or, at least, trying to say is that he doesn’t appreciate people like Michael Fahey of Kotaku or James Walker of Binge Gam… oh… um… heh, well… what he’s saying is that he doesn’t appreciate that websites are constantly kicking him when he’s down, because he feels that he is doing Hollywood a service by fighting the system. Continuing:

you want only movies like JUMPER , SPEED RACER , WHAT HAPPENDS IN VEGAS …? then keep going and your dreams will be fullfilled. POSTAL makes some very important points ..but you dont wanna see that ….

Uwe says that we only want movies like Jumper or Speed Racer, and argues that Postal makes important points that we, the American public, don’t want to see. You know, like Verne Troyer being raped by monkeys.

Actually, people don’t want Jumper or Speed Racer. Speed Racer, so far, has vastly underperformed at the box office and could become a massive Hollywood flop. This will, of course, prove a point that I have been trying to make for years: The Wachowski Brothers are overrated one-trick tools. Jumper, unfortunately, did pull people in but the critical response was actually worse for that movie than it is for Postal. So, at least you’ve progressed past the Hollywood hit Jumper in terms of quality. Congratulations.

: that Bush used the SEPTEMBER 11 to start a war against a country what had nothing to do with Bin Laden etc….

…well, that kind of made sense. So, um… moving on? Yeah, yeah. Moving on.

but this all doesnt matter because you are all busy to THINK that INDIANA JONES or NARNIA are important movies … but in real they are empty shells of an industry what wants to make money and what wants to keep you looking “escape movies” with nothing in it.

I think what Uwe is saying here is that we, the public, think that Indiana Jones and The Chronicles of Narnia are important films, before reminding us that these are merely escapist films (not to be confused with Escapist films) that require little to no thinking at all… which is exactly why we love movies like Indiana Jones and the Shrine of Unparalleled Awesomeness in the first place — they allow us to ESCAPE from our drab, boring and otherwise unfulfilling existence. Nobody wants to see movies that reflect our actual lives because they would be horrendously boring. That’s why I never watch modern military movies — unless they have zombies. Because zombies are bitchin’.

in between they are putting some CONTROVERSIAL movies to show that they can do also IMPORTANT movies …but also this movies are not really critical….they only supporting the system and not showing the big picture. and POSTAL shows the BIG PICTURE …it nails the absurd situation with all the stupid religions, races and nations we are living in.

Let’s summarize Postal’s big picture in a quick series of bullet points:

…well, at least you have controversial down pretty good. Not so sure about the “important”, or “big picture” stuff, though. But again, you have controversial down pat.

POSTAL is not accepting bullshit politics. POSTAL has not the opinion that Bush made mistakes – POSTAL has the opinion that it is a scandal that BUSH is not in jail.

No, Postal has the opinion that pre-pubescent humor not fit for a twelve year-old and scenes that openly mock the September 11th attacks are somehow funny, and would not only drive people to the theatre, but would actually turn them away from the return of an all-time classic in Indiana Jones. As distributors of Postal quickly realized that putting Indiana Jones, Chronicles of Narnia and Iron Man on every screen for ten thousand years would make them more money than Postal, they did the financially sound thing and dropped the movie. It’s not a matter of there being some kind of mass conspiracy to end Uwe Boll, it’s simple business. You know, like the mob always says right before they whack somebody.

What happened in America in the last 7 years is the biggest joke since Columbus stepped on that land.

Hmm. Apparently you’ve never watched Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80’s Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl’s Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg The Bunny. (Shameless Family Guy reference? Yep.)

but instead of seeing the courage i had in doing that movie against everybody who tried to stop me

“He only hits me because he loves me.”

you are sitting on your desks and you are working on stories about me ….and my image as the worst director on earth…and you fullfill what your editor wants from you in regards of uwe boll …or you fullfill what you think makes you a cooler guy in the internet

Guilty as charged, I guess. After all, I am sitting here… at my desk… working on a story about you… and your image as the worst director on Earth… but in all seriousness, let’s be honest with each other: Your four theatrical video game-based releases made a combined $21,417,126 versus a combined budget of $105,900,000 — or to use smaller numbers, you’ve made back 20% of your budget costs. How you got Jason Statham in Dungeon Siege is baffling to just about everyone. I’m not even sure Mr. Statham knows how he wound up in that movie.

.and you are not getting it that you are only interested in movies like IRON MAN or HULK or KUNG FU PANDA or the MUMMY 3 because the studios spending 60 mio. $ in advertising to make you interested in NON INTERESTING movies.

Have you seen Iron Man, Uwe? …or were there not enough car chases for your liking?

how many times you wanna keep going in movies only because the TRAILER was so cool and the CGI was so great ?

As many times as those movies are fun, entertaining, well scripted and well made.

The more I read Boll’s poorly-written statement (no fault against him, English isn’t his #1 language), the more I wonder about the state of that man’s mental well being. It is almost as though Boll has become a farcical parody of himself, his antics becoming more and more over-the-top and, frankly, somewhat needy. Almost as though Boll needs our attention to fuel him on, he continues to publicly make a fool of himself while his films continue to bomb, each more epic than the last.

Ever since his shameless, unprovoked and unnecessary lashing out at Michael Bay and Eli Roth, Boll has been steadily slipping into this whimsical exaggeration of himself who, much like so many American Idol contestants, has no idea that he’s as awful of a filmmaker as he thinks he is.

“Thanks for reading this.”

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