Metal Gear Online is one of those games that hooks you. In my case, I log on expecting to play one or two matches, only to look down at my watch and find that it’s 3:30am. While you get sucked in and find yourself having tons of fun for hours on end, there are certain groups of people who ruin the game for the majority of us.

Now, the disclaimers: A.) The language, as per usual in these features, is NSFW. That means you young folk shouldn’t be reading, even though you will. B.) I will concede that not every group on this list ruins the game for everybody. Hell, a couple of groups in particular (i.e. “Power Levelers”, “Mouth Breathers”) are on this list solely because they annoy the hell out of me. C.) Just because I say a particular group of people doesn’t mean I am referring to everybody who has ever put somebody in a headlock, or used a rocket. However, if you do take personal offense to anything on this list, then… yeah, I’m probably referring to you.

Punk.

1.) Voters

While it’s certainly annoying for somebody to call a vote to change game modes every single time a mode other than Team Deathmatch is loaded, I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about those special few who call votes to kick players no fewer than half a dozen times in the span of four minutes. Usually these ingrates are calling to kick whoever killed them because, surely, they must have been cheating.

Nobody was cheating, and you just suck.

What makes the action of calling a vote mid-game especially annoying is the fact that when you call a vote, it brings up the entire chat window, which takes up about 40% of the screen. This can become quite distracting when you’re trying to line up the perfect headshot and all of a sudden you see text asking you to kick Solid Ritter for the seventh time! In fact, this leads perfectly to the next group…

2.) Chatters

How in the hell can you hold a full conversation in the chat window, while still playing? Even if you have a USB keyboard, it’s impossible – you’d need four hands, Goro!

Oh, and no – I don’t want to join your fucking clan. Stop asking.

3.) Spawn Campers

Frankly, you’re the most pathetic and inept kind of online gamer, period. There is no debate. There is no discussion. You’re a sad, cheap little mongrel who thinks they’re the shit because you can hide behind a dumpster, toss a grenade down an alleyway and get a couple of easy kills. But you Spawn Snipers are the absolute worst — at least the run of the mill spawn camper at least has the nerve to show his virtual face. You, on the other hand, prefer to hide on a ledge, or at your own spawn. What I’m trying to say is that not only are you incredibly cheap, but you’re also a pussy.

And you “professional gamers” (which, as far as I’m concerned, is a controdiction) who like to feed people the bullshit line of “it’s their fault for not dominating the board”, I refer you to the picture of the donkey’s ass.

4.) CQCers

CALM DOWN! I’m not talking about all of you, only those of you who forego gunplay to charge at your enemy with only a stun knife and a prayer. What are you crazy bastards thinking, that I have Parkinson’s, or something? You think you’re too quick to get hit? Now, there are a few smart (if not cheap) people who hide behind corners, or utilize the boxes to keep themselves hidden from their enemy, and while those people piss me off, I have to respect their ingenuity. The rest of you, however, are only doing yourself and your team a disservice by acting like a dipshit, dipship.

4a.) Between-Round CQCers
Ooh, big man can put a guy in a chokehold when he’s takin’ a piss in the other room. What, you want a cookie or something?

5.) Porn Addicts

Can you not watch where the hell you’re walking?! I promise you that if you play long enough, you’ll eventually come across that one guy who seems to always get caught in one of those Playboy traps – usually one they planted.

This actually leads to an issue I have with the game: Am I to actually believe that battle-hardened soldiers will stop dead in their tracks and ogle a nudie magazine they find in a gutter, even while in the middle of a gunfight? I mean, yes, Angie Everhart is pretty hot, but I’m pretty sure I’d feel more comfortable fapping alone in a latrine stall than in the burnt-out remains of a school while bullets fly past my head.

6.) Rocket Whores

I’ve played nearly 30 hours of Metal Gear Online, and I’ve only come across one rocket whore: s3kshun8. I find it sad that in this day and age, in a game like MGO, which challenges you to use stealth and guile to get the upper hand, we still have these kinds of nitwits who think rockets are the answer. Guess what? Unless it’s a direct impact, the rocket won’t actually kill anybody. All it will do is blow them back, usually behind a wall. Worst-case scenario is you hit somebody on a rooftop with a rocket, they get blown back off of the building and are killed by the fall. Not only do you NOT get the kill, but they get a suicide tally.

7.) M14E3R

If you use this weapon, you’re a bitch. Plain and simple, no exceptions. Save me all the pissing and moaning about “it’s a valid weapon.” I don’t care. You’re a fence-straddling bitch who can’t decide whether or not you want to be a sniper or a man.

Bitch.

8.) Children

Children… the bane of my existence. Thankfully when I usually play it’s in the early morning where instead of children I have to deal with all the stoners who still think screen names with the number “69” in them are funny. But every once in a while I’ll get in a game on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon, turn on my POS bluetooth microphone, crack open a Keystone Light, and be immediately forced to mute at least a third of the people in the damn room.

Kids, come here and let Uncle JW explain something to you: Your voices are grating on the nerves – that’s why your parents hate you. Shut the hell up, kid, and breathe through your damn nose.

9.) Mouth Breathers (aka Microphone Etiquette)

That reminds me: Why in the hell do you people have your microphones on if you have no intention of using them? It feels like I’m listening in on the world’s most boring sex line, with two or three people always breathing heavy. Why the hell are you all breathing so damn heavy, anyways?!

Another thing, people who use their mics, but have the sensitivity turned up so loud that you can hear everything going on when they’re not talking need to turn their mics DOWN.

10.) Power Levelers

If you are somebody who opts to use Auto Matchmaking instead of going into the room directory, this may be foreign to you, but there are rooms that are created solely for the purpose of leveling up a particular skill – usually CQC. You can level up all the skills you want, but in the end if you still can’t hit the broad side of a barn you’re still going to suck.

And finally, this one is unofficial but I need a moment to vent my true frustrations…

Unofficial.) Teammates

You ever get the feeling that you’re playing on the Special Olympics team? You know, where teammates are shooting teammates, bouncing grenades off the windowsill and getting blown to high heaven, and generally sucking to such a high level that you have to take a moment to just sit back and admire how badly their getting their asses handed to them?

Do you know what the real kicker of all of that is? Half your team will then try to switch sides between rounds, thinking they’ll magically get better!

Konami ID: MaximusPaynicus – Add me… even if you are one of the many on the list. Hell, I’ll even let it slide if you breathe into the mic all the time.

Popularity: 1% [?]